June 2026
Okay America, I say enough with all the trade issues and tariffs. Americans need to admit that you need a good trade deal with Canada; maybe not as much as Canada needs one with you, but you still need us more than President Donald Trump is admitting, at least publicly.
If President Trump doesn’t agree to bargain, in good faith, a trade deal that is the best one for both our historically-connected countries, then Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney is authorized to activate the Canadian Patriotism Chip implanted in all Canadians, recalling all Canadians back to Canada from America.
That means Hollywood will be noticeably emptier. Just think about it, President Trump. Do you realize how many Canadians are a part of the American entertainment industry? If we recall all of them, how will you be able to make all the movies and TV shows that Americans love?
No more actors like Ryan Reynolds, Eugene Levy, Dan Aykroyd, Seth Rogan, Jim Carey, Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, Keifer Sutherland, Pamela Anderson, Jay Baruchel, Michael Ironside, Joshua Jackson, Jason Priestley, Howie Mandel and William Shatner.
That’s right America, Captain Kirk is ours, bitches! So was Scotty, played by Canadian WWII veteran James Doohan! So is teenage Darth Vader, Hayden Christensen, so we have Star Wars covered too!
Do you remember what HAL 9000 did in “2001: A Space Odyssey?” Well, he couldn’t have done it without Canadian actor Douglas Rain doing the voice work. If he wasn’t already dead, we’d be recalling him too.
“The Rock,” Dwayne Johnson, is half-Canadian through his father Rocky Johnson, so he’ll probably be hanging out along the border, with one foot in Canada.
That’s not enough?! There will be no more “Matrix” or “John Wick” movies, because Keanu Reeves is one of ours! No more “Avatar” movies either. James Cameron is, surprise, a Canadian. No more “Austin Powers.” Mike Myers: Canadian.
Justin Beiber is Canadian, but you can keep him, so don’t say Canadians can’t be reasonable. You can also keep Justin Trudeau too, now that he’s dating Katy Perry. Please keep him!
Oh yeah, and say goodbye to Saturday Night Live too, as Executive Producer Lorne Michaels is Canadian, along with many Canadian comedians who have rotated through the cast over the years. Although, now that I think about it, we should have said goodbye to SNL at the end of the 1990s, back when the show was still funny, so maybe that’s a moot point.
For those in border cities, no more listening to Canadian progressive rock band Rush. Yes that’s right, no more listening to “Tom Sawyer,” “Subdivisions,” “Finding my Way,” “The Spirit of Radio” and many, many others. All Rush records and CDs will also automatically return to Canada, so get ready to clear the skies American air traffic controllers.
Americans in border cities will have to turn off the radio whenever a Canadian station plays Rush, or a Mountie will ride up to that person’s house on their horse and politely ask them to do it. There will probably be riots in Cleveland, where Rush first broke in America, so don’t say you haven’t been warned. I know this is harsh, but we’ll do it if we have to!
I hear that if playing Rush is banned in America, Paul Rudd will be leading the biggest protest the White House has ever seen.
So to my American friends, I ask you to ramp up your pressure on President Trump to positively conclude the current trade dispute with your historic ally and friends for the over 200 years since we burned your White House. Hollywood and Paul Rudd are depending on you!
Also see: The Canadian Conspiracy, a 1986 CBC Television mocumentary.
