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Why I Want to be a Guy

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1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don’t rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don’t have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
15. Everything on your face stays its original color.
16. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
18. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
19. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: “He must be mad at me.”
21. Same work…more pay.
22. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
23. Wedding dress – $2,000. Tuxedo rental – 75 bucks.
24. You don’t mooch off other’s desserts.
25. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
26. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
27. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. “So, notice anything different?”
28. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
29. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
30. You almost never have strap problems in public.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
34. At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
35. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
36. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
37. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

and on the reverse… 50 Reasons It’s Great to Be a Woman…

1. Free drinks.
2. Free dinners.
3. Free movies (you get the point).
4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay.
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay.
6. You know The Truth about whether size matters.
7. Speeding ticket? What’s that?
8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10. If you have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, you’re not the devil.
11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
13. If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14. You can sleep your way to the top.
15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17. It’s possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19. Brad Pitt.
20. You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it’s because you’re being emotionally neglected.
22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23. You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25. If you think the person you’re dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with them.
26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31. If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
32. You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33. You have the ability to dress yourself.
34. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
37. If you’re wearing cologne, you don’t have to pretend it’s aftershave.
38. You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39. You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41. Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
42. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43. You’ve never had a goatee.
44. Gay waiters don’t make you uncomfortable.
45. You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
46. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47. You’ll never discover you’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
48. You don’t have hair on your back.
49. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

About the author

Bruce Forsyth

Bruce Forsyth served in the Royal Canadian Navy Reserve for 13 years (1987-2000). He served with units in Toronto, Hamilton & Windsor and worked or trained at CFB Esquimalt, CFB Halifax, CFB Petawawa, CFB Kingston, CFB Toronto, Camp Borden, The Burwash Training Area and LFCA Training Centre Meaford.

Permanent link to this article: https://militarybruce.com/why-i-want-to-be-a-guy/

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