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Re-Zoning – A Case History

Unknown author
“In the beginning, God created heaven and earth”. He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an environmental impact statement with HEPA (Heavenly Environmental Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping the Universe pollution-free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the project, but was issued a “cease and desist” order on the earthly part pending further investigation by HEPA.

When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply replied that He liked to be “creative”. This was not considered adequate reasoning, and He would be required to substantiate this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth since, “the earth was void and empty and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said, “Be light made”.

He should never have brought up this point since one member of the council was most active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested stating, How was the light to be made? Would it be a coal fired or nuclear-fired generating plant?’ God explained the light wold come from a huge ball of fire.

Nobody on council really understood, but it was provisionally accepted assuming 1) there would be no smog or smoke resulting from the ball of fire, 2) a separate burning permit would be required, and 3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be dark half the time.

And so God agreed to divide light from darkness and He would call the light “DAY and the darkness “Night”. The Council expressed no interest with in-house semantics.

When asked how the Earth would be covered, God said, “Let there be firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from the waters”. One ecologically radical council member accused Him of double talk, but the Council tabled action since God would be required to file for a Firmament Permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land Management) and further wold be required to obtain water permits form appropriate agencies involved.

The council asked if there would be only water and firmament, and God said, “Let the Earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after its kind, which may have seed itself upon the earth. Council agreed to this as long as native seed would be used.

About future development, God also said, “Let the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life and the fowl that may fly over the Earth under the firmament of Heaven”. Here again, the council took no formal action since this would require approval of the Game and Fish Commission, coordinated wit the Heavenly Federation and Audubongelic Society.

It appeared that everything was in order until God stated He wanted to complete the project in 6 days. At this time He was advised by the Council that His timing was completely out of the question. HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the application and environmental impact statement, then there would be the public hearings. It could feasibly take 10 to 12 months before a permit could be granted.

And God said, “To Hell with it”.

About the author

Bruce Forsyth

Bruce Forsyth served in the Royal Canadian Navy Reserve for 13 years (1987-2000). He served with units in Toronto, Hamilton & Windsor and worked or trained at CFB Esquimalt, CFB Halifax, CFB Petawawa, CFB Kingston, CFB Toronto, Camp Borden, The Burwash Training Area and LFCA Training Centre Meaford.

Permanent link to this article: https://militarybruce.com/re-zoning-a-case-history/

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